by Jacob Schneider
My neighbors, Johny and Betty O'Fallon, recently went on a cruise ship. I asked them, "What are five things you should know when going on a cruise ship?" To them the question was only a matter of time. Together they erupted like Ellen and Vesuvius. This is what they told me over pecan sandies and lemonade on a breezy July morning sweet dew on the cotton fresh lawn.
#1. You are where you eat.
You are surrounded by free food on a cruise ship at all hours of the day. Over eating is historically one of the favorite past times on ships. It causes such delights as constipation, poor sleep, irritability, and in some cases conflict of interests with one's own waist line. Take it easy. Little at a time Mora. All that food at the buffet will be there tomorrow. And even though there's food on the ship, save your appetite for some local dish in port. They say Pizza was born in Naples and I recommend Da Michele. Hot Tapas and Paella in Barcelona's Bari Gotic. They serve a good Roast Chicken at Imperial Jardim in Lisbon.
But if you go on a cruise, this is a chance to really try the local "Catch of the Day." They call it Seafood Provencale at Chez Freddy's in Cannes. At Grillz in Port Canaveral or Surf Side in St. John's you can even watch the fishing boats float up to the docks in the late morning. And next to the Juneau library, try the legs at Tracy's King Crab Shack. The food on board is good and you can enjoy both if you leave room. But if Ro Sham Bo? Land over Ship every time. They may have Tuscan onboard, but they also have it in Tuscany too.
#2. What you pack is what you wear.
Besides your passport, your digital camera, and a good book, pack light. Bring something "weather appropriate" and one nice outfit. It's a tradition on ships to host a few "Formal Nights". Get your picture taken with the Captain. Tell Charna, to bring her favorite dress and Miles can finally sport those Cog Hill cufflinks? One nice outfit, and then something comfortable for the walking tour of 7,000 year old Malta or Ketchikan.
Somebody has to have a digital camera. Snap a couple happy pics of that Glacier over there dying. Or look! That building is weird. Get one of everyone in front of the Bernini.But otherwise, keep it light. Not only do you have to move those samsonites from the house to the airport to the ship and back again, you will have to store them in the cabin for the cruise.
And leave some room for souvenirs! Braided basket from Freeport. Leaning tower of Pisa Pencil Sharpener. "Can't go to Malta and not get a Maltese Floaty Pen." The Alaskan Ulu.
#3. How to get to that one place you heard about.
They have an old saying upon the seas, "Look at the map." Maps are available in every port. But before you even pack for the plane, buy some maps and find out where you want to go ahead of time. Buy or borrow a Berlitz, Lonely Planet, or Frommers. You'll want to sound like you know what you're talking about when telling the Taxi driver in Barbados you wanna go to the monkey farm. (Go to the monkey farm.) Big City Europe Taxi rates are comparable to Big City America rates. And if you are renting a car, drop the 10 bucks for that GPS. You don't want to be late back to the ship.
If you like the environment, and saving money, then get a map with public transportation locations. Europe's bus and trains are easy as taking a train to and around Chicago. But get familiar with locations and map out a few things you really want to do ahead of time. Dunbar's not going to get to do everything, but at least he'll know where it was.
#4. Get lost. Stay in Touch.
The hip new thing is the Internet so to be hip on a ship is about 75 cents a minute. That means one hour will cost you 45 dollars. Phones are even more. The couple from Boston put their iBerries in the sock drawer not to be seen or heard again until the end of cruise or out of socks.
Before you leave tell Carl, Rattlesnake and the Passions you'll be gone for a week, and that you look forward to seeing them when you return. Leave Chief and Mia with a trusted animal lover. Tell the kids not to bother mommy and daddy unless it is an emergency, such as the insurgents are winning, or Osama bin Laden was elected Pope. Otherwise, leave it alone.
Besides, one can always put a stamp on it. Postcards are vintage, always in season, and in every region. They come in bundles and on racks. Aged to perfection from days if not years drenched by sun and wind, each is a story to its teller. Like a reoccurring Armando with an eye for the blink and share, the post card is a quick, meaningless, meaningful remembering. Scenic vistas. Whimsical scenarios. Even provocative topless kitties. They're like jello, always room for both. The estampillas, timbres, and affrancaturas can be found at the local 'Poste' but the ship sells both Stamps and Cards, and will even mail them for you in the morning.
#5. Live!
It's the end of the day. Be social. See a show. Follow the crowd to the Music. Magic. Dance. Comedy. You name it. The Lounge and Bars host acoustic, piano, polka and string quartets. There's a dance club, bowling Alleys, casinos! Join the crowd in the 1100 seat Stardust theater for dance company musical reviews by Broadway gonna be's of today. Solo vocalists like multi-lingual diva Elvy Rose on the Norwegian Gem. When's the last time you saw a magic show? Carbondale's own Charles Bach and the lovely Magdelena are out there somewhere, disappearing! Comedians Ross Bennett, David Nastor, Nick Vatterrott. They are the Atlantic Branson City Vegas headlining legends of the sea. But if bias be best, then the entertainment by far, is Mr. Motown himself, St. Louis's Stan "the Guy" Sykes. Stan is currently on the Norwegian Star and nightly plays an amazing lexicon of vintage Motown, blues, and jazz. (The Star by the way has a charming itinerary year round. Winters round the Mexican Rivera. Summers up Alaska's Inside Passage.)
Oh yeah, Chicago's Second City can be found on 6 different Norwegian Cruise Line ships. If you've never caught a Second City TourCo show near home, and you haven't seen them by now while in Detroit, Chicago, or Toronto, then here's another chance to blow them off.
I thanked Johny and Betty for the sandies and the chat. They paid me for the lemonade. They still owe me for the lawn.
RIP Vegas.
*Jake Schneider is currently performing with the Second City aboard the Norwegian Gem in the Mediterranean. He has been improvising in and around Chicago since 2000, most gratefully with iOChicago's the Reckoning. In the past year, he has lived on a ship for 9 months. And yes. He is pregnant.
